The first step in solving a problem is to admit that it exists. Despite our experiences with racial tension and conflict, many Americans deny the existence of a problem. Some acknowledge difficulties then point a blaming finger toward others, as if problems could be solved by “fixing” law enforcement or black culture (whatever that stereotype means). My own conclusions are that we have genuine national and local problems; and until we address fundamental needs for trust and communication other initiatives are unlikely to work.

As I prepared to write about this sensitive subject I recalled a black friend recommending the movie “Fruitvale Station”. It is an award-winning dramatization of actual events on New Year’s Day, 2009 when Transit Police in Oakland, California killed unarmed Oscar Grant. It is disturbing in many ways, but I recommend it for any adult who wants a better understanding of attitudes in our nation today.

Oscar Grant’s story is just as controversial as our recent tragedies; and it is well-remembered by many who live in black skin. For me, living in white skin, it is a vague and distant memory. Grant came from a tough, poverty ridden Oakland neighborhood. His history included some of the negative stereotypes of black men: drug use, arrests, and convictions. He was also a young father trying to build a family with his fiancée. He had hope for emerging from his gritty world but instead he was shot in the back and killed by white police while he was face down on the ground. The movie is important because it lets viewers see through the eyes of Grant’s family and neighbors. Like Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, and Eric Garner, Oscar Grant’s death perpetuated mistrust of our law enforcement system.

Last month, two NYPD officers were shot in their patrol car by a black man who had written,   “I’m putting wings on pigs. They take one of ours, we take two of theirs.” Our police, the ones we depend on to come to our rescue in the very worst of circumstances, are always at risk. After this, they may well perceive the danger to be greater than ever. If that perception is particularly about black men, it might be a mistake. National law enforcement leaders see right-wing radicals as the number one threat, but there was no public outcry when extreme right wingers purposefully killed two Louisiana officers. “Aryan Nations Church” promotes hate and violence while “Targeting Cops” makes a heroic martyr of the man who killed innocent NYPD officers. There is plenty of hate to go around in the form of blaming others.

According to the FBI, there were almost 50,000 assaults on officers in 2013.   The National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund lists 102 officer deaths in the same period. It’s a terrible toll and yet it is far fewer than the 280 who died in 1974, the worst year on record. Without trust, we could return to those days of open conflict between police and citizens. Americans, particularly those who live in our toughest neighborhoods, need police that they can trust.

When police are giving their best efforts, they deserve our appreciation and need our support. They are fallible human beings, and perhaps their greatest need for understanding and support comes when they make honest mistakes. It is a sad but true fact that an officer doing his best can mistakenly take a life. Blame, prosecution, and punishment should be reserved for those instances when officers misuse their power intentionally or recklessly. The actions taken in those situations should be completely public for all to see.

We need to end the self-perpetuating brew of mistrust, fear and anger that grows with every incident – but how? We can begin making progress by communicating across the racial divide, listening rather than shouting, understanding rather than preaching, and caring rather than cursing. We might solve our problems one friendship at a time and enrich our lives in the process. The Prayer of St Francis, points the way.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.